Cheating.

No, not the type that you're thinking about. I've been cheating myself.

Let me bring you up to speed on my thought process.

In January or February I went to Costco with my mom and they had digital scales on sale. I bought one. I had been sitting in the box since then. Last night I was sitting thinking about what to eat for dinner and I thought, "This is ridiculous, you don't even know how much you weigh." Sooo I opened the box. Lets just say I just left the gym.

Anyhow, while I was at the gym I decided to listen to an audiobook I have. It's easy to listen to music in the house because you don't have to pay that much attention... in the gym or in the car... audiobook time. So anyway, they were talking about rich people stressing about their second home. Then it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve never dreamt of having a second home. Hell, I barely even dare to dream of a first home much less a second.

Then my realization spiraled. I thought that I had a hard time with goal setting exercises, because I stopped dreaming. I stopped thinking that I could achieve something beyond a certain capacity. I started living my life in reaction mode. When did this happen? Who am I?

The person I was was someone who had high hopes and dreams. Now literally I am confined to thinking one week at a time. If I can make it to the end of this week I’ll be okay. Then what happens next week? Something will work out. Then Sunday comes and it’s me again worrying about making it through to the end of the week. Before you know it the time passes and all that stuff that you’ve been worrying about, haven’t come through but since you’ve been so wrapped up in worrying you forgot all about living. Appreciating the here and now. Yet hoping and planning for bigger and better in the future.

In one way it sucks because I’m a very practical person. When I see luxury car… instead of performance and comfort I see unnecessary expense. So in that sense my goal might be different from someone else’s goal.

As it so happens I’m going to an event tomorrow evening where I’m suppose to dress as I see myself in 5 years. So I’ve had to put some thought into it. The first thing I plan to start doing is dreaming more, just as I did when I was a little girl and stop cheating myself out of wishing better for myself.